+ confessions of a red-headed stepchild: June 2005

Thursday, June 30, 2005

you know you have a healthy self esteem when...

someone tells you that you could stand to lose a few pounds and you laugh so hard the gulp of a margarita you just took comes shooting out of your mouth.

am i losing my mind?

Dear JC Penney,

I recently purchased a dress from your Washington Square Mall location in Beaverton, OR. I went back to the mall yesterday to return the dress. It was a cute black number with big white polka dots and yellow trim. It caught my eye as I was using your store to get from the food court to the parking lot.

I decided to return it because the trim was so poorly sewn on. At the counter, I learned that the cashier had to credit my Penney's card since I used it to purchase the item. This was upsetting to me since I had already paid off the card. But after the return was complete I browsed the store hoping to find a way to burn the credit.

And this is when my melt down began…

There is nothing in your entire store I want. This was SO shocking to me that it took TWO visits, totaling an hour each, and time out of my workday as I browsed your website in a fruitless frenzy. I was hell bent on spending this money and short of pulling my hair out have decided to write this letter and end this relationship for good.

There were shoppers in the store, so I am sure you have a great customer base. The only problem is that I am not a part of that group and I in no way, shape, or form, will ever use this card ever again. I am trusting that you will cancel my card, refund the $26.99 in the form of a check and we can just chalk this up to a simple mistake with no hard feelings.

Please let me know if you have any further questions or need anything from me to see this relationship to a close.

Sincerely,

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

like oh my god, i am so sure!

My ten year high school reunion is this weekend. Has it been that long? Maria is flying in from New York to crash the party with me along with a group of dropouts, outcasts and people who were never a part of the class to begin with. It should be fun.

This calls for a walk down memory lane...

8th grade
I think this picture was taken for my 8th grade graduation.
Do you like my Pop Swatch watch?

jessie and rachel
I took this picture my freshman year in photography class, before I got really bored and quit going to all of my classes. Rachel and Jessie.

jen, kate and darc
Jenni, Katrina and me.

booth
we were inseparable for the most part.

the beast
Now for what I spent most of my high school years doing, licking things and drinking beer. We really liked this beer for some reason. I mean really liked it. I remember this night like it was yesterday. We thought Milwaukees was in dire need of a poster girl and I was just the girl to do it, for free beer.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

it is 8:37am, do you know where your dad is?

Mine was last seen at 6:47am, mile 85 of the Western States 100. Looks like he will make it in under 30 hours. He didn't finish last year, so this is so huge!

Saturday, June 25, 2005

orchids



getting an orchid to rebloom is not unlike having an orgasm.

Friday, June 24, 2005

friday confessional

My family is dysfunctional. beyond. belief.

I go through varying degrees of understanding, shame, heartbreak and fear...fear that I am just like them and can’t see it.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

I am from

I am from raspberry stained fingers, homemade rootbeer and setting m&ms in the sun to melt the chocolate inside.

I am from 4th of July BBQs and backyard gardens, hydrangea snowball fights, thunderstorm summers and weekends with Dad.

I am from climbing cherry trees, jumping into piles of leaves and swinging so high I can touch the clouds. I am from bunk beds, woodburning stoves and hating the seam on the toe of my tights.

I am from neatniks and to-do lists, from a draft dodger and a mother who never said one bad thing about a father she could have said a lot about. I am from a sister that wanted to be a doctor and a brother I never got a chance to know.

I am from do unto others, because I said so and finish your plate, from bread and butter gifts and no pain no gain.

I am from an old green chest filled with photos, baby booties and quilts hand stitched over 100 years ago.

Thanks to blu.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

the things i learned along the way

After driving over 4000 miles and spending over 60 hours in the car I have come to these conclusions:

  • There is too much useless space between Oregon and Minnesota.
  • The last job I would EVER take in the entire world: long haul truck driver.
  • There are a lot of trampolines in Utah.
  • My dog is so cute somemtimes I can't handle it.
    Picture 562
  • Looks like prostitution is legal in Nebraska.
    kum & go
  • The mid-west is the only place in the world you can drive a truck covered in blood without anyone batting an eyelash, but the rainbows are beautiful.
    i saw both ends
  • Sleeping in the passenger seat of a Honda Civic for two days makes a hard floor feel comfortable.
  • I am so glad Michael Jackson was found innocent.
  • I saw more Peanuts characters than one person should reasonably see in a life time. They are big and weird and in the front yard where people LIVE. I saw these last time I was in Minneapolis around Thanksgiving. I naturally assumed they were Christmas decorations. But they are still up. We also saw Snoopy, Charlie Brown and a psycho snowman dressed in camo with a rifle. I am sorry that picture didn't turn out.

    burger?

    cow print face
  • Everything is more fun with a cowboy hat on.
    bee killer
  • Fuck with the bull and you get:
    jaws


Monday, June 20, 2005

your confessions

Welcome to the confessional. Open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Please feel free to leave your baggage behind, anonymously or not. I reserve the right to delete anything I find inappropriate.




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My confession is that I'm borrowing the confessional for a week over at Sassy Gardener during Ugly Garden Week.

Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery.


lelo | Email | Homepage | 08.24.05 - 10:33 pm

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I was a virgin on my wedding night. so was my wife. After the honeymoon, she said she could have lived her whole life without sex. A few years later, she said "I'm not reading anymore books, not gonna talk about it in therapy; its your problem, you take care of it." So night after night I would lie in bed masturbating, while my wife watched tv until I went to sleep. When she did do her wifely duty, a few times a year, she usually said "forget about the candellight and soft music. Lets just get it over with." Often without kissing. Over the years, she put on, i dunno, about 100lbs. I work out and have all my hair, and at age 40 still get hit on by college girls. But I've always turned them down, and gone home to take care of it lying by my wife. So after 16 years, we finally split, and I'm saving myself for my next marriage. There had damn well better be a god up there.
Anonymous | Email | Homepage | 08.22.05 - 8:19 pm

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When I was 7 years old I shoved a stick up a dead skunks butt and it sprayed me.
anonymous | Email | Homepage | 08.12.05 - 3:51 pm

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A lot of people masturbate. Constantly. Most of my ex boyfriends...
someone | Email | Homepage | 08.10.05 - 12:27 am

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Whether it will work or not, I am giving him another chance. He seems to be working and if I didn't give him a chance to prove it- I would not be true to myself.
blu | Email | Homepage | 08.06.05 - 4:15 am

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I masturbate.

Constantly.
BigKilla | Email | Homepage | 08.01.05 - 8:08 pm

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I am that driver you can't stand. I eat, drink, do my make-up, talk on the phone, sing and have even changed my clothes, while driving.
anonymous | Email | Homepage | 07.20.05 - 2:10 pm

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I started sleeping with stuffed animals. It really is nice.
anonymous | Email | Homepage | 07.12.05 - 10:56 pm

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I broke up with him after 3 years and it hurts really bad. I want to be his friend, but I can't do it right now. He calls me now and says he misses me, and that I was his only friend and it makes me think that I can't be his friend. I feel like if I can't salvage a friend out of a 3 year relationship then it was a waste.
blu | Email | Homepage | 07.08.05 - 2:26 am

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I cut myself to ease the pain.
And I have been dubbed the happiest person in the universe.
And I feel guitly for doing it, like I am letting everyone down.
But the truth is, I don't want to stop.
Anonymous | Email | Homepage | 07.07.05 - 11:41 pm

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I used to have a really big teddy bear and I practiced all sorts of make out moves on him when I was in elementary school.
Anonymous | Email | Homepage | 06.30.05 - 10:30 am

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If people were a lot more honest about their thoughts and impulses, the world might be a better place.

Okay, I should confess something.

I am a relentless masturbator. Have been since I was about nine. I know. It's so gross to think of a little kid doing that. But it's true.
I have always been obsessed with it. I used to fantasize about Lou Diamond Philips, or David Bowie or Sebastian Bach or Johnny Depp.
I loved thinking about sexy celebrities. It's weird. I never fantasize about celebrities anymore. Now I always think about my boyfriend. How cheesy is that?

Oooh confessing feels good. I want to do it again.
Maria | Email | Homepage | 06.28.05 - 11:29 pm

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I like Bobby Brown, and even downloaded a few of his songs. "every little step I take..."
anonymous | Email | Homepage | 06.27.05 - 2:47

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I used to have a boyfriend I thought I was madly in love with. I wanted to be together forever and I secretly wished that I were his dog, so that he would never be able to breakup with me. That was nearly ten years ago, so I am sure his dog is dead. And I am glad I was not his dog cause he wasn't a very good boyfriend, or dog owner.
anonymous | Email | Homepage | 06.27.05 - 11:25 am

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I picked my boogies at work.
Shanthony | Email | Homepage | 06.26.05 - 12:07 am

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I havn't written this stuff anywhere or talked about it cuz I don't want any one to think I am bad. But what if they do? Guess it really doesn't matter. Anway, There are a few things troubling me. First there is this man/boy that lives in my complex. I have never thought anyone 20 years younger than me was hot. They all just look like little kids. But, there is this young man that I totally drool over. I am sure I would never ever do anything with him, but damn baby!! He is a hottie. He is tall and very dark skin and hair. Husky/slim in all the right places. Now we all know kids these days wear their pants hanging past their butts. I wonder if he sees me looking at lines of his hips when he climbs out of the pool? Studying how low the waist of his swim trunks are. The hard/fun part is he always seems to be where we are. Swimming or whatever. He plays with the kids a lot (which they totally love and I am glad they have him) cuz I don't ever have any of my boyfriends over although my George is going to have all of us out on his boat this summer that will rock! That will be the first time in the over three years my separation (now divorced) that any of my boyfriends have met my kids. George was raised by his step dad so I think he has a soft spot there for kids without dads. And also this business he has started that I am helping him with is to help single parents anway. He is such a darling man. But I digress: Anyway, this man/boy comes over to visit, I guess it all started when I had him babysit. Getting to know him and stuff. I dress up to go out or go on a date and feel so sexy and uncomforatable in front of him. It's like he is a kids looking at the Victoria's Secret catalog. It's like weird-almost. I really don't know what to think except that he is not like a normal man/boy his age. I really don't say much to him but I watch him a lot...
laura | Email | Homepage | 06.25.05 - 10:03 pm

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I had sex OUT OF WEDLOCK today.
Josh | Email | Homepage | 06.22.05 - 12:09 am

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what 9 days off couldn't cure

I don't really like blonde jokes...or jokes that are degrading to large groups of people (except goths, of course). And I am not blonde. But if I were in the mood to categorize my actions this would be SO blonde.

I just went to a branch office to install a new computer on our network. A 15 minute appointment turned into an hour an a half while I tried to resolve an IP conflict on a Windows 98 machine. Yes people still run Windows 98. When I finally fixed it I called my co-workers to let them know I was on my way back, and to vent about what a pain in the neck this job had been. As I was chatting away and starting the car I realized I only had the car keys in my hand. I said "Oh no! I left my phone up there!" I was of course holding my phone, in my hand, and the call was on speaker phone for my entire department to hear.

I am back and have so many things to share. Just give me a moment to collect my thoughts, or I am bound to make an ass out of myself repeatedly.

Friday, June 10, 2005

see ya later alligator

Tom and I are going on vacation to visit his family. I will be gone for ten days and doubt that I will be able to blog. I am going to miss you all dearly and will leave you to entertain yourselves with the google image results for Minnesota's favorite slang word, uffda!

friday confessional

Someone asked me how I feel comfortable revealing so much of myself to the internet. And this is my answer:

I write my confessions because I hate the idea of pretending I am something I am not. Because I am weak and I make mistakes. I have spent most of my life worrying about what people think about me and I don't want to live like that anymore. I have found nothing more freeing than looking that fear in the eye and giving it the bird.

This is my party. If you don't like it, you can suck it.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

emasculating



See how long you can keep your spirits up with a cone around your neck, when all you want to do is lick the dog bite on your thigh because it keeps itching and itching and you are about ready to lose your fucking mind.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

when i grow up

I just figured it out. I want to be a Hollywood movie star that spends all of my time and money traveling to impoverished nations. I want to help people and make a difference in the lives of those less fortunate than me.

Shit....that position is already filled.

Monday, June 06, 2005

sweet seventeen

It sounds so young now. But at the time you couldn't tell us that. We had our own apartments, we worked, paid bills and owned our own cars. We had fake ids and did whatever the fuck we wanted to do. The summer of 1994 was the most memorable of my life.

I lived in an apartment with Katrina, the kind that has cockroaches and yellow walls from cigarette smoke. We didn't have any furniture other than our beds, a couch, and a stereo that sat on the living room floor adjacent a faux rock wall. Upstairs from us lived Maria and her brother.

Maria and I bonded at the Lincoln Estates. We ate psychedelic mushrooms and rode bicycles barefoot in the warm summer night. We sucked on blue raspberry lollipops and shared secrets on my couch. We cried as we sat on opposing ends with our blue tongues and big teenage hearts.

I can't believe I could shout to Maria from my bedroom and she could hear me. I would give my left pinky to have her that close again.

What is with the good ol' days always being over by the time they become good?

Friday, June 03, 2005

friday confessional

Parades make me cry.










lets talk about it

What do you think is going to happen in the Michael Jackson case? I love him and really want to believe it isn't true.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

i am about to buy the domain name

You may now call me Bitch of the Heavy Horses.

What is your outlaw biker name?

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

jumping trains