confessions of a red-headed stepchild

thinking...

2007-11-21T10:34:00.000-08:00

I find it increasingly alarming how much parents cripple their children with emotional and psychological problems. And they were destroyed by their parents and their parents by their parent's parents and it makes me scared to have kids because even though I am a improved model of my parents, not contracting all of their instabilities, I have my own and I don't want to burden anyone with that.

friday confessional

2007-08-29T17:00:00.000-07:00

I have actually given this number out at the bar: 212.479.7990.

Just call it.

turns out, we are fucked

2007-01-08T22:14:00.000-08:00

So I watched An Inconvenient Truth this weekend, something I put off for a while because I hate getting even MORE depressed about things I feel I have no control over. I am not your average complacent American that would rather ignore our impending fate while pressing on, full throttle. I have been what I consider a diligent environmentalist my entire life. I worried as a young child about the slow leak in our family bath tub, and can't remember a time when I didn't recycle. I have friends call me to tell me about how they recycled knowing that I, of all the people they know, would be proud. I actually only have my trash can picked up once a month and it is only a 1/4 of the way full because I recycle and compost and god damn it what else can I fucking do!

I watched the news tonight and it sent me over the edge. I know I should have an emergency preparedness kit, but I didn't realize I might need it sooner rather than later. Can you believe we are sending more troops to Iraq? NBC actually retracted a story from earlier this week and are now admitting that warming weather, like 72 degrees in New York in January, might have something to do with global warming. And then in the same episode they told me that the flu is late this season, Manhattan had some unexplained natural gas smell, and 63 birds died. How can one person process all this and come out the other side with any hope? I realize this is NBC news, which in my mind means we are really fucked. Because they are the last people to admit we are going to die.

friday confessional

2006-12-15T21:01:00.000-08:00

I always forget to zip up my fly after I go to the bathroom, at least every other time. And once I was caught on stage singing karaoke when someone from the audience motioned to me that my fly was down. How's that for awesome?

and then she reared her ugly head

2006-12-01T20:18:00.000-08:00

I don’t really handle coincidences well. Or dreams. Or anything that might mean anything. Some days I think I am psychic, other days I think the cosmos are aligning themselves, like a secret decoder ring getting ready to reveal the final clue.

And then what? Will it all make sense? Or will we just implode?

Itemizing the coincidences (that could mean nothing more than: I am way too fucking stoned) make each instance feel so minimized. Like a dream, wherein telling, loses every ounce of glory it once had.

Just trust me. Something crazy is going to happen, much crazier than a dead blog coming back to life.

plagued by profection

2006-05-02T08:33:00.000-07:00

I am alive. And I got so used to not blogging that I almost forgot I had a blog.

What have I been up to? Working less and living more. That was the plan and I was scared it wouldn't work, but it has been so far. The new career is great, summer is almost here and if I could just nail down a date to take myself on a vacation there won't be a single thing on my to-do list that isn't at least started.

But that isn't why I am blogging today. I am blogging today about typos. The typo I just realized I made in the title of this post, but it worked so I left it be.

I was raised by one of those parents that made you do all of the dishes over again if one wasn't clean, do-it-right-the-first-time-damn-it. Which I am thankful for, because I would hate to be incompetent. But now I suffer from being submerged in a society where the majority doesn't give a shit.

I am not claiming to be some grammar queen, or spelling bee champion. But I care enough to read something before I publish it, and heck I even use spell check from time to time.

I just paid for an advertisement that was delivered to over 3,000 people and in the process of "reformatting" an already perfect ad, the advertising company dropped the "r" off of the word "your" and I am mortified.

And because the last checks and business cards I ordered had typos too, I feel like there is a lesson to learn here, one that has nothing to do with proof reading, or always using more commas than one sentence can possibly hold.

In the same two month period I bought a coffee maker that doesn't work and rented a U-Haul truck for which they charged me THREE times.

Can someone please interpret this waking dream?

when i am not blogging...

2006-03-28T20:13:00.000-08:00

just when i thought i had enough

2006-03-24T10:27:00.000-08:00

Rather than throw out your AOL CDs I encourage you to forward them to Donald too. Just because it will make me laugh to find out that even one person reading this actually did it. What else are you going to do with them? Consider it recycling.

Cross out your address and write:

Forward to:

Donald Malone
PO Box 37380
Albuquerque, NM 87176

t-mobile makes me a crazy lady - pt. 1

2006-03-23T15:37:00.000-08:00

I hate T-Mobile and that is all there is to it. I have ten months left on my contract and time is moving like molasses. I decided the best way to spend this time is to try and make them half as crazy as they have made me. We have to talk about my $270.00 phone bill for last month later, because I am really stuck on this text messaging thing.

I am sure every other cell phone company charges for incoming messages but I feel strangely compelled to fight paying it, kicking and screaming, even if it is only five fucking cents per message. I sent them a letter with my last payment explaining why my check was 25 cents short the total amount owed. I explained to them how crazy it is to charge someone for something they can not refuse. Don't mind me, I am just dropping a bag of dog shit on your door step and will bill you for it later! I don't want to send text messages or receive them. In response to that letter my new friend Donald sent me this:

Dear Crazy Lady:

Thank you for contacting T-Mobile. We have received a request to review the account per the request you ask that the $.25 + tax charge be removed from your account. Per the request you advise that you have no way to block text messages from being sent to your handset, you do not want this feature for any additional cost to you and you have made a payment for $89.97.

We would like to apologize for any inconveniences that you have encountered.

We see that you have just activated with T-Mobile on 01/10/06 and we would like to thank you for choosing T-Mobile!

We have reviewed your account and found that the current balance is $272.08, the last payment received was for $89.97 received on 02/28/06 and the account is current.

Regarding the disputed text messaging charges; review of the first February cycle shows that there are 5 incoming texts and one outgoing text. Due to T-Mobile billing by the SIM, which is completely unique and cannot be duplicated, the texts were sent/received by your SIM card. The SIM registers to your account and is billed appropriately.

T- Mobile does not offer a way to block incoming texts however you may speak with people that sent them and request they do not send further texts.

Due to the validity of the charges we will not remove the charges.

Thank you for being a T-Mobile customer.

If you have any further questions please feel free to contact us at PO Box 37380, Albuquerque, NM 87176 or via fax # 813-353-6545. Our customer care department is also available 24 hours a day at 800-937-8997.

Sincerely,

Donald Malone

My response to Donald:

Donald,

Thank you for your letter. While reading it I wasted about 5 minutes of my time. I charge $35/hr. which means you owe me $2.92. I also have a new program where I forward all of my incoming AOL CDs to you. Is this the best address to use? I will be charging $5.00/per CD, plus shipping and handling.

I will be visiting family in Albuquerque this July. I would love to get together to further develop this business relationship. Call me. You have my number.

Your bill for March:

$2.92 for wasting my time
$5.00 for your first AOL CD (enclosed)
$.39 Postage

Total Amount due: $8.31

Your prompt payment is appreciated!

Sincerely,

Crazy Lady

star wars cell phone ringtone guy

2006-03-14T20:04:00.000-08:00

You know the type, the bossy know-it-all in your IT department. They come in late, they don't have to keep their desk clean, they tell you what you can and can't have installed on your machine yet they don't have to abide by any of the same company policies, like the dress code. And the only thing that is worse then interacting with them is working with them. I am really tolerant. I take a lot of abuse. And I have to hear daily what a surprise it is to see a girl in IT. I am about as tired of hearing that as I am "you look like Julia Stiles".

I am not really a geek. It is just a job. I am not a gamer. I don't collect action figures. I am not into science fiction. I bathe. I have clothing purchased within the last ten years. I don't procrastinate and I don't talk down to people when they don't know as much as I do. But today I seriously questioned my ability to continue working in this field, and I used every ounce of self control I have to keep myself from flying across the room and gouging someone's eyes out.

I showed up to a job and the client's personal computer technician was there. I was polite and when faced with his obvious attempts to prove his self worth I did very little to compete. I even got up from the drivers seat when asked so he could perform something he felt was above me. I am used to this, I have worked in IT for ten years and the geeks I have worked with are not any more adept with interpersonal relations. What I did mind was him turning to me with his squeaky little voice and saying, "I assume you know what I am doing?" It was at that precise moment I decided I hated him. He oozed with condescension. And if I were into playing his game I would have told him I prefer to perform the task from the command line...

I just did my best to ignore his attmepts at making conversation. But with every step I took he engaged me in talk, like agruing with me about the type of email server MY company uses, how OUR network is setup and then he told me HE created a program that is integral to the type of business MY clients are in. He made it. Like Al Gore made the Internet.

Then his phone rang and he actually downloaded a star wars theme song ringtone. Has he no shame?

bingo!

2006-03-13T17:55:00.000-08:00

This game would be really fun to play in here in Portland, or Williamsburg.

There was a point in time when someone had to explain to me what a hipster was. That was before I moved to Portland. Now I am getting a kick out of reading these definitions, especially this one:

Hipster: You, for reading ironic, pseudo-intellectual dictionary entries on the word "hipster".

"These dictionary entries on hipsters are so comical! I'm going to email this link to 800 of my closest acquaintances, head to Value Village, grab a chai and then play kickball in a headband and short-shorts."

The funniest part about hipsters is that none of them will ever admit they are hipsters, which makes me wonder if I am one...

this place is a mess

2006-02-27T22:21:00.000-08:00

I come here and want to post something exciting, something that will make you double over with laughter. But nothing is coming to me. Isn't it true that when life is good you are out living it? I come here to bitch and complain. To ask those burning questions about the crazy people who just don't get it. I leave you with my hurt and my frustration. But I don't have any today, or yesterday, or in the last month.

Life is really good.

I recently joined the world of the self employed and I feel very content. I have been gardening and enjoying every moment I am not working, which is far less than when I actually had a job.

What have you all been doing?

friday confessional

2006-02-17T21:14:00.000-08:00

After seven days with no meat I ate a big juicy burger with pepper bacon and blue cheese dressing.

hanging by a string

2006-02-13T15:19:00.000-08:00

This video is making me laugh so hard. Come on, laugh with me.

And if that link doesn't work try clicking here and then clicking on Domestic Pardners.

muddy inflatables

2006-02-08T22:42:00.000-08:00

Christmas decorations are still up in St. Johns.

this one is for you

2006-01-31T15:02:00.000-08:00

I have something for you. My blog is almost two years old and I want to celebrate! Email me with your name and address. I will send you a surprise. And no it is not poop.

friday confessional

2006-01-29T02:10:00.000-08:00

It is Sunday morning at 2:11am. So fucking what? I was thinking of you on Friday, but I was preoccupied with dinner and a Michael Damian look-a-like. Therefore I was unable to post until now.

So there I was being served a New Orleans style dinner, and Mint Juleps, by Danny from Young and the Restless. I knew from the moment he handed us our menus that I had to tell him. And I honestly thought he must have heard it before.

I have heard it all: Julia Styles, Nicole Kidman, Christie Brinkley. So after my second drink I said: "You look like Michael Damian." Huh? I said "Young and the Restless?" I don't think he was a fan. I told him how I was madly in love with Michael in the 6th grade. I neglected to tell him that I recorded the soap opera while I was at school (it was on at 11am) and actually draped a blanket over the TV and took pictures, so I could have photograhs to HOLD IN MY HANDS. And do you know what the waiter said to me? He said, "So you think I am hot?"

No. I am not in love with Michael Damian anymore. I was when I was 12. And I am on a date. So, when I told you to google Michael-fucking-Damian, I hope you find this.

is that freedom rock?

2006-01-25T23:19:00.000-08:00

I am so in love with this video. Thank you Ghost of Professor Leotus! I have listened to it ten times now and I am still going strong. Fuck yeah!

u.n.i.t.why?

2006-01-25T10:03:00.000-08:00

I totally forgot about Queen Latifah. Until this last Christmas when I was barraged with Wal-Mart commercials featuring her and other notable musicians I can't remember at the moment. At first I didn't understand why these people were supporting Wal-Mart. Don't we all hate Wal-Mart? Then I realized I have no idea why Miss Latifah is asked to do these commercials at all. Why is she famous? I remember that one song she sang back in 1994, and I know she has been in a variety of lame shows and movies. But that doesn't cut it. Are there any fans out there who can break this down for me?

real estate midgets

2006-01-13T23:01:00.000-08:00

I can go to the mall and not buy a single fucking thing, but the minute an infomercial comes on I feel the burning desire to simplify my life with single purpose kitchen utensils and become instantly rich with odd ball investment strategies.

Have you seen these real estate midgets? They are going to be in your area soon and you can learn how to invest nothing and make over 30k in less than 3 months. Turn and burn baby. I love the real estate midgets and I finally found their website only to realize that one of them died. Lame.

I am not sure if I should feel bad calling them real estate midgets. I never know what is politically correct and I by no means want to discriminate or hurt anyone's feelings, but the fact that they show up number 1 on google when I type in those words leads me to believe they thought I might refer to them as that. So I think they would have been okay with it.

Did you know if you type in gogole.com it redirects you to google.com? That is sweet. Sweet is my new favorite word. I am sick of it already so I can't imagine how the people who have to hangout with me feel.

thinking...

2006-01-12T20:53:00.000-08:00

No matter how long I live in North Portland, I don't get any closer to understanding how someone can smoke a cigarette while riding a bike.

neither here, nor there

2006-01-06T17:01:00.000-08:00

Life is standing still. I am at the end of the first week of my last month at work. I am one week from living alone. I am one day from my best friend being back on the east coast. I am 2 hours from a soccer game. 26 minutes from being off work and after all of this has passed I have no idea whether the sun will rise.

My friend's Dad was hit by a car and killed on Christmas in downtown Portland. My Dad was supposed to meet him one month before, almost to the day. I am not superstitious. But I can't quit wondering if the events would have unfolded the same way had they met. Okay. Maybe I am a little superstitious.

I feel numb. I feel like I am playing limbo and I can't bend any farther without reality crashing into the forefront of my mind. I know what lies ahead and it scares the shit out of me. But I can't touch it. So it doesn't feel real. All the little things that keep piling up. The flat tires. The lunches and dinners and the money I don't have. The parties and side jobs and errands that need running. The friend's bands that are playing and the poker parties that need dealing. I haven't slept more than 7 hours all week because I don't have enough time in each day.

I know what drives people to addiction. The only cure for this insanity is a shot of tequila. Or five.

And with warm fuzzy numb thoughts I give you my accomplished tasks of the last year.

Bought my first home
Spent more time with the people I love
Worried less
Scored 2 goals
Learned that Jack already knew how to roll over
Grew my own vegetables in my first garden
One year completely anti-depressant free!
Saved enough money to risk becoming self employed

I am impressed with myself. And exhausted just reading this.

the neighbor's house

2005-12-18T08:46:00.000-08:00

Last year they left the decorations up until April.

rip my heart out

2005-12-16T14:48:00.000-08:00

My Dad's house burned to the ground this morning. He lived on 40 acres, in a beautiful home with no electricity or running water. I hated this house as a teenager, it even made my top ten list, but it was his home. It was where his heart was. He is a loner, a survivalist, and the house fit that part of him like a glove.

I spoke with him last night before he went to bed. He told me that he had found an old marble racing track he built for me as a child. He was going to send it to me along with his antique marble collection. It is gone.

Obviously material possessions consume our lives and thinking of losing everything other than the clothes on your back is almost unfathomable. But life is the only thing that can't be replaced. He was able to get out and is in ICU recovering from carbon monoxide poisoning and second degree burns.

Adding to my list of things to be thankful for:
My Dad woke up at 2am and smelled smoke.

christmas tree hugger

2005-12-15T00:24:00.000-08:00

I am sitting at work next to mounds of bagged Styrofoam. I have been searching frantically for some sort of recycling option. But does recycling Styrofoam create more pollution than burying it?

These are the things that keep me awake at night.

I ran across this website and find it alarming, yet totally surreal. People are convinced plastics and Styrofoam are “good for families” and “safe for the environment”.

And years from now we will read articles like this and this. My Aunt was born with crippling birth defects from fertility drugs that were “tested” and “safe”, oops!

While I am juggling all of this Styrofoam, I can't help but think about Christmas. If you must drain your bank account, buying people things they don’t need, do something good for the environment:

Ecoist handbags are made from recycled candy wrappers, food packages, and soft drink labels. These excess materials have been discarded due to printing defects or discontinued candy lines. Ecoist believes in recycling these wasted materials by giving them a new life. Become an Ecoist, and help us preserve the earth with style.

Dagoba chocolate is awesome and it is made in my hometown where Styrofoam is banned! All products are Certified Organic, Kosher, and Fair Trade Certified. They are family owned and manufacture in small batches at a 100% organic facility, powered entirely by renewable energy.

Grounds for Change is a family owned and operated coffee roasting business located in the Pacific Northwest. They roast Fair Trade, Organic, Shade Grown coffee to order, by hand, in small batches to ensure that you receive the freshest coffee possible!

And when all else fails, girls love flowers.

Editor's Note: Can you believe fur is back in?

friday confessional

2005-12-09T03:10:00.000-08:00

When I was in the 8th grade I was madly in love with a skater. Our relationship consisted of awkward french kissing and me watching him skate. He lived in a neighboring town, so he would take the bus to come and see me after school. We would kiss when he got off the bus and kiss before he got on the bus. Then one day, out of the blue, he broke up with me. Seriously heart broken, I did what any 13 year old would do. I covered my bedroom walls in scraps of paper with his name written in metallica style lettering.

A year later we got back together. After all of that suffering I wasn't really into him anymore, but when it came down to the break-up I was terrified. I had my friend call him and pretend she was me, she broke up with him over the phone.

drunk blogging is the new black

2005-12-07T00:36:00.000-08:00

So I am sitting at the bar on a Tuesday night, wolfing down gin and tonics when I hear myself say "your family needs nanny 911." Can you believe my life has come to this? I am resorting to discussing television shows as lame as nanny 911 in my real life, when I am out with friends.

And after my fourth gin and tonic, I started jotting down all of these really great blogging ideas. I write notes to myself when I am buzzed, things I think are really funny. I have a really hard time reading them the next day, and they are half as funny as they were the night before.

Some things I have wanted to tell you drunk that I don't really want to tell you sober:

I can do the Roger Rabbit really well, especially after a few drinks. Aren't those old dance moves funny?
When I hear Depeche Mode, People are People, I think of my brother and how my Dad bought him that cassette for Christmas one year and taped it to the inside of a really big box so he would think it was a really big present. My Dad and I laughed but my brother didn't. Do people think of me when they hear certain songs?
Those bullet hole stickers people put on their cars suck. hard.
I write things down while I am driving. Isn't that scary?

I know I wrote down a bunch more stuff but now I can't find that piece of paper, which is making me nervous because I would be embarrassed if someone else read it.

see I am not always bitching

2005-12-05T17:13:00.000-08:00

I found a powerpoint presentation I love:
yours is a very bad hotel

fwd:fwd:fwd:fwd:

2005-12-04T11:06:00.000-08:00

Maria wrote a lovely poem about email from co-workers. It reminded me of an excruciating powerpoint presentation I was emailed at work. I am on the girl spam list. That means I get all the forwards and urban legends, like today is national friendship day, forward this email to ten friends or something horrible will happen to your child, and a spider will lay eggs in your tongue!

But this one takes the cake. Whoever introduced this person to powerpoint needs to be shot.

what girls talk about

2005-12-01T10:03:00.000-08:00

I started this post as an email to a girlfriend and then decided to share.

I didn't get to see Kathleen while she was in town over Thanksgiving and it made me feel like a real schmuck. I was so tied up in this new door installation and hanging out with my Dad, it was just the worst timing ever. I got so stressed out about the door, because it took twice as long as I thought it would and I was worried it wasn't going to look right and how that reflected on my Dad and my perception/expectations of him and I just fucking lost it. I cried and cried like a blubbering baby. But not until I was on my way to the store to pick up some additional supplies and the phone rang. It was my Mom.

It is like being a little kid again and having gotten hurt over an hour ago. You already cried and everything is okay, but Mom comes in the door and it all bubbles back to the surface. The poor woman called to talk about happy things. I forced some unenthusiastic responses and then said "I am really stressed out" tears all ready lined up at the gates, ready to come pouring out. I told her about everything going on in my life that was driving me to this point of insanity and it all sounded so trivial. I was in the supermarket parking lot with big fiery tears burning down my cheeks, accusing life of always dealing me a shitty hand.

This is called PMS boys.

It is similar to the Hyde and Hare Bugs Bunny cartoon, a more appealing version of Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde. It all feels so real at the moment, but then a split second later, on the down swing, you can't remember who that incredibly unstable person was.

And when all the self loathing comes to a screeching halt, when I realize there are people actually suffering in this world, I am reminded that I still haven't made my list of things to be thankful for.

So here goes nothing:

I am thankful for warm cups of Yogi Tea and 25 pounds of blueberry granola from my Mom.

I am thankful for friends, near and far, old and new. I am thankful to have someone to laugh with and cry with at a moments notice.

I am thankful for my dog and feel incredibly lucky to have this kind of love in my life.

I am thankful for being able to spend time with my family and that people get older and wiser.

I am thankful for all life's challenges, the ones that force me to be strong and independent.

I am thankful for the internet and the people I would have never met otherwise.

Is it okay to be thankful for Gin and Tonics?

these boots are made for kicking your ass

2005-11-29T09:44:00.000-08:00

One thing that is undeniably girlie about me is my love for shoes. I have been in constant saving mode for the last six months and have denied myself of so many things. I can only take so much before I feel like I am suffering and splurge to make myself feel better, like last Saturday.

I found some boots on ebay midweek. I fell in love with them instantly, but the auction was going to end while I was driving home from work. I called Tom and asked him to bid on them for me. He, being too logical, thought that they were really expensive, and what in the world would I wear them with? I got defensive and told him I was going to wear them with anything I wanted. This conversation taking me back to my freshman year in high school when I tried to talk my Dad into buying me a black leather jacket. I got mad and told Tom to forget about it.

In a desperate attempt to fill the void in my heart I found more boots on ebay and began to watch the bidding. I found the exact same pair, I bid on them and I won. I am so filled with excitement that every once in a while I burst out "I got the boots, I got the boots!". Because there is nothing more fulfilling than watching something slip through your fingertips, think it is gone forever and then find it again.

I am so in love with the boots.

just think...

2005-11-22T14:51:00.000-08:00

I could be filling the void with the apathetic online journal generator.

The sun has been shining, I have joined a second soccer team and things are starting to look a little brighter here on my end. I want to tell you all how much I appreciate your comments and internet love. I blog because it makes me feel good regardless of who is reading, but it warms my heart to know that people care.

Josh and I want to plan a blogger get together here in Portland sometime soon. Lelo and I are begging to put on holiday sweaters. If you have any great ideas or would like to host a blogger holiday sweater party, let me know. I would offer up my place but it is so small my boyfriend and his pets barely fit.

the update re: not updating

2005-11-16T16:23:00.000-08:00

I am sad.

I feel like everything is so unsatisfying, even this blog. I wonder if I should delete all of my posts and run away to Nepal.

When I was in high school people talked about going away to find themselves (I know, I know, smoke some more weed), but I really wonder where I am sometimes, and if I will always have fleeting feelings of contentment and focus.

I have made some really big plans, big decisions that now make me cringe. I am getting a major case of cold feet and I just can't figure out what it is I actually want or if I will be in the right place at the right time to find it.

I wish I didn't have to be so vague, but this is just a fake confession website. If I posted the real stuff here I would be fired, dumped, and left for dead.

It might be the lack of warmth and sunshine. I think I feel this way every winter, freak out, lose control of everything, and laugh deliriously as if nothing matters.

Maybe I should make a list of things I am thankful for.

creep-tastic

2005-11-09T09:15:00.000-08:00

And they want us to buy CDs?

vegas shmegas

2005-11-07T23:14:00.000-08:00

I am a slack-ass blogger and that is the truth. I have been back from Las Vegas for over a week and I haven't even mentioned it to you. I wanted to wait until I had the motivation to do it right, but I fear if I don't tell you about it now, I never will.

The funny thing is, I have wanted to tell you since last April! But I couldn't because it was a surprise for my best friend's birthday and even though she NEVER reads my blog I wanted to be extra sure she didn't find out. And I know how some of you are about secrets...

So Jenni has always wanted to go to Las Vegas for her birthday and after 5 years of talk we did the impossible. We kept the secret for 6 long months, we got her days off of work, we packed her bag while she wasn't looking, then we kidnapped her and took her to the airport.

Instead of slathering my blog with all of the photos I will just tell you that we drank a lot, we slept very little, there was a steak and lobster dinner, a 500 pound Elvis impersonator, a party bus complete with stripper poles, one big ass hot dog, lots of pina coladas, and a George Wallace sighting all crammed into two nights with ten friends in lovely Las Vegas.

You can check out more pictures at flickr.

friday confessional

2005-11-04T17:11:00.000-08:00

Guitar solos make me feel a little uncomfortable, like I am watching someone masturbate.

most fucked up costume 2005

2005-11-03T03:21:00.000-08:00

Internet, I need to ask you a question. What is a "butt pirate"? And why did a boy (no older than 12) come to my door on halloween dressed as one?

just putting in his 50 cents

2005-11-02T10:34:00.000-08:00

"I think people responded to it the best way they can," 50 told ContactMusic.com. "What Kanye West was saying, I don't know where that came from."

That is interesting, since we all had access to the same news programs and clearly Hurricane Katrina wasn't handled well. You don't have to agree with Kanye, but Bush even admitted to not doing the best he could. So what are you talking about 50?

I found Kanye's outburst a little awkward, but I have respect for his courage and for bringing the obvious issue of race to the surface when everyone else kept pussy footing around about it.

50 went on to say:

"I feel like Kanye West is successful because of me."

I honestly don't know enough about 50 cent or Kanye West to tell you who made who famous. But I do know that anyone arrogant enough to make a comment like that, regardless of its truth, sucks.

five words I can't stand

2005-10-31T21:15:00.000-08:00

1. scone
2. lingo
3. muse
4. dongle
5. savvy

pro·nun·ci·a·tion

2005-10-24T17:08:00.000-07:00

There are two kinds of people in this world, people who say "wolf" and people who say "woof".

friday confessional

2005-10-21T12:36:00.000-07:00

I have always felt like I am not good enough. I have voices in my head that tell me I can’t dance, I am a bad friend, I need to do more for my family, I can’t write and I am a boring blogger. I frequently wish I were more interesting, funnier and happier.

It makes me really sad to know that lots of people feel this way, even though the world may see them totally different then they see themselves. My mom thinks she is fat and she isn’t. I think she is the most beautiful, wonderful person in the world and it breaks my heart that she may never see herself the way I see her.

My mom always had scraps of paper taped to the bathroom mirror and the refrigerator, positive affirmations like “I am worthy of being loved.”

I used to think it was ridiculous but I understand now.

The world is such a messed up place. We are damaged by our pasts, the present is filled with disaster and we are bombarded by fear of the future every night on the news.

missed connection with my life

2005-10-20T16:36:00.000-07:00

I bought a powerball ticket. I never buy lottery tickets but the hype really got to me this time. On my lunch break yesterday I bought 5 tickets and a hotdog. I felt a little embarrassed standing at the counter asking for lottery tickets and hotdogs. But I really love hotdogs.

When I got back to work a party pooper told me no one in Oregon has ever won the powerball, and that the chances of winning are as good as someone accidentally mailing you the money. But today someone in Oregon won 340 million dollars and when I heard the news that the winner hadn't come forward yet, I felt for a moment that I could be holding the winning ticket.

And what would I do with that much money? Aside from the obvious, I would quit my day job and dress like a mascot.

almost as scary as the bird flu

2005-10-17T16:37:00.000-07:00

linkalicious

2005-10-12T17:05:00.000-07:00

With the cold weather closing in, I thought we could use a little sweater love.

You knit what? Makes me wish I had a theme blog.
Gem sweaters! Hell fuck ya!
Gem sweater video. Gold lamé body suits kick ass.
That is it. I am having a holiday sweater party.

un-fucking-believable

2005-10-10T10:05:00.000-07:00

Not guilty? Not guilty? You have got to be kidding me.

if i had candles to blow out...

2005-10-05T15:44:00.000-07:00

I would wish for sleep. I hate insomnia, and there is nothing like lying awake until 3am when you have to be at work at 8am. I am a mess today. And because it is my birthday I have all the more reason to feel sorry for myself. I want to go home, call it a day, and celebrate tomorrow.

On the bright side I thought I was 28 all last year, but I was only 27. So it is almost like I squeezed a free year out of life.

speak up, i can't hear you

2005-09-27T16:47:00.000-07:00

I was talking with a friend on Sunday and she was telling me about migratory birds that come to Portland each year in the month of September. The birds swirl through the sky at dusk before making a dramatic entrance into the chimney at Chapman Elementary School where they sleep for the night.

With Tom being the bird watcher he is, I thought he would be really interested in this. I was telling him about the birds and he stopped me to ask:

"did you just say Swiss?"

He took the opportunity to correct me, telling me they are Swifts. Sorry bird lovers everywhere, I didn't hear the name correctly and have been calling them Swiss. As in cheese.

So last night went to see the Swifts and it was amazing. We brought wine, a little picnic and a blanket. Thousands of birds gathered in the air just before dusk. They swirled through the air in what resembled burning pieces of paper stuck in a twister.

After an hour of teasing and diving towards the chimney they all spiraled into it. And they were gone as quickly as they came.

But this post isn't really about the Swifts. I want to know how you have embarrassed yourself by calling something the wrong name, or singing the wrong words to a song. I will go first and I am including some of my friends because I want to embarrass them too.

The four funniest lyrics we thought we heard them say:

1. Back in high school we could not get enough of the Wu Tang Clan. And if you have ever listened to them, and you are a WHITE, GIRL, from SOUTHERN OREGON, you might agree that some of their lyrics are impossible to figure out without the cassette cover. The one line we still laugh about to this day is in Wu-Tang: 7th Chamber when they say "my clan is thick like plaster, bust ya, slash ya...", we thought they were saying: "broccoli on a stick like plaster..." Where did we come up with that? Rather who came up with it and why didn't anyone agrue?

2. In the 80's I remember hearing Stacy Q's Two of Hearts on the radio all the time. Only problem was I thought she was singing: "Two pumped hearts". I don't know why. What does that mean?

3. Jenni turned to her mom after hearing Love is A Battlefield by Pat Benatar and said "Mom, what is a fattle fee? Listen to it and I swear you will never hear the words battlefield EVER again.

4. Lastly, and most fun-ly, I heard Tom singing along to Jack and Diane by John Cougar Mellencamp and I actually heard him sing "Changes come around real soon make us swimmin' in men." I swear. He sang that.

I can't wait to hear all of yours...

friday confessional

2005-09-23T16:53:00.000-07:00

I cried while watching Save the Last Dance. And as embarrassing as that is, I feel the need to clarify and tell you I didn't rent the movie. I was flipping through channels in bed one evening and there it was. It was the best thing on. And I cried.

That's right, after five years of resisting the evil temptation of television, I have surrendered. I am a television owner, which has enabled me to see my very first episodes of The Apprentice, ER, Tommy Lee Goes to College and a made for television movie with Shannen Doherty!

It is times like these I think about smoking cigarettes, binge drinking and snorting lines of cocaine. Speaking of cocaine, I am a little disturbed by this situation with Kate Moss. I would like to see a show of hands at Chanel, the hands of those who haven't had a little powder on the nose. Fucking hypocrites.

i just swallowed a watermelon jolly rancher

2005-09-21T17:27:00.000-07:00

Maria recently wrote about the generosity of the people in this country toward the victims of hurricane Katrina, and I agree. It is during these rare times I actually feel a kinship with my people.

But all this talk about hurricane survivors got me thinking about a news bit I heard the other night on our local news station. I just wasted 30 minutes, at work, looking for an article on this subject and couldn't find one, so you will just have to believe me.

For those of you not living in the Portland area, FEMA asked us to open a shelter and the Oregon Red Cross responded to that request. A shelter was setup at a high school here in Portland and all of the preparations were made to accommodate hundreds of Louisiana residents. The neighbors of the school were up in arms, "why our neighborhood?" and all sorts of crazy talk. Then the music stopped. No one was coming. I was a little shocked when I found out that Portland would no longer be needed, because the evacuees were supposed to show up ANY DAY. Now here is the fucked up part, the part that made me thankful I donated to another cause: The Red Cross spent over 100 thousand dollars setting up this shelter. FEMA admitted to poor planning when instructing that the shelter be set up, because after all it wasn't needed. The news story said FEMA would reimburse the Red Cross but it could be years before a check is received.

As if this isn't bad enough, the same thing happened in Seattle and Minneapolis. Thanks FEMA!

Seven minutes left of work and then I am off to drink ice cold beers and discuss my secret life. The life that will begin when my not-so-secret life ends. Can't talk about it here!

another vacation behind us

2005-09-19T12:26:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the disappearing act. I had a week off work and I was so busy relaxing I had a hard time keeping up with everything else. The good thing is I am refreshed, I have a skip in my step, and hopefully that will be enough to get me through another month or so of this pesky thing called work.

The vacation was supposed to be 9 days in Mexico. It turned into camping at the hotsprings, a day with Mom, a shitload of Gin and Tonics, sunbathing at the river, pajamas until noon, popcorn for dinner, movies in bed and everything wonderful about not having to do anything at all.

I am sad to see you go. Vacation, I love you.

friday confessional

2005-09-09T17:12:00.000-07:00

I am a closet pooper.

I will not poop when someone else is in the bathroom. Unless I am in a place where I know I will never see the people again, like airports and Target stores.

what a disgrace

2005-09-07T20:15:00.000-07:00

"When America looks at the huge expanse of filthy, fetid water that has drowned New Orleans, it becomes a mirror in which it finally sees the scars on its own face. The scars of poverty, of racism, of ideological zealotry, of public corruption and of environmental degradation, usually concealed by a cosmetic media."

Fintan O'Toole, writing in The Irish Times

it felt so good

2005-09-07T07:40:00.000-07:00

I hadn't donated anything yet. I was waiting. Which made me feel guilty. But I wanted to make sure I could donate money to the best cause, and there are so many good causes. I just wanted my donation to count and it is so hard to toss 100 dollars at the Red Cross knowing that they have already received hundreds of millions of dollars and there are still people that need water to drink.

Covington, LA is on the other side of Lake Pontchartrain. Covington, like many other smaller areas were being completely overlooked even as the feds finally made it to NOLA. It is a common theme for this tragedy but the people in Covington have yet to see any federal assistance and there is a great need there because their town is devastated as well.

The Veterans for Peace are in Covington. They are accepting donations of supplies and money. You can go to the store, buy supplies from their list of needs and mail a package to them! Or you can donate money via Paypal.

friday confessional

2005-09-02T11:00:00.000-07:00

I haven't been able to bring myself to post all week. I am horrified, depressed, disgusted and embarrassed. This is far worse than anyone could have ever imagined. Why are we giving them too little, too late?

"The people of our city are holding on by a thread," Mayor Ray Nagin warned in a statement to CNN. "Time has run out. Can we survive another night? And who can we depend on? Only God knows."

"An old man in a chaise lounge lay dead in a grassy median as hungry babies wailed around him. Around the corner, an elderly woman lay dead in her wheelchair, covered up by a blanket, and another body lay beside her wrapped in a sheet.

"I don't treat my dog like that," Edwards said as he pointed at the woman in the wheelchair. "You can do everything for other countries, but you can't do nothing for your own people." [read more]

I used to work for directnic.com in downtown New Orleans. They have five people there, working to keep their servers up and running on diesel generators, in the midst of the chaos and horror. They are keeping a journal and taking pictures. There is also a live webcam. So if you are ever looking for a reliable domain registrar, you have just found one.

heart broken

2005-08-30T15:35:00.000-07:00

I can't believe what is happening in New Orleans. I know it is below sea level and that it was bound to happen, but watching this town fall to pieces just kills me. I have watched countless news stories about hurricanes and the destruction they have caused elsewhere, but not somewhere I have lived. I love this town. The photos of buildings and neighborhoods destroyed, streets I have walked down filled with water, and all of the people, who used to be my people, scrambling to survive. I wish there was something I could do.

friday confessional

2005-08-26T11:28:00.000-07:00

I have a fantasy where I am the lead singer of a punk band. Something like Kim Gordon of Sonic Youth. This all plays out in my car as I am speeding along, singing at the top of my lungs.

I think it would be funny to see me, if I weren't me.

penny and tom

2005-08-25T21:20:00.000-07:00

the taco tango

2005-08-25T10:46:00.000-07:00

If I had a blog last summer I would have totally blogged about the crazy lady at Javier's and the psychic that didn't see her coming.

Javier's is a 24 hour Mexican restaurant that has really excellent Mexican food. Although, if you choose to go there after normal business hours it can prove to be a freak show. Tom and I have been known to stroll in around 2am, and brave the crowds in an effort to quell an impending hangover, or two. But this particular night was OUT OF CONTROL.

As we stood in line waiting to order a woman who just finished ordering walked toward the front door with her drink in hand, bumping the man standing behind us in line. I couldn't believe she didn't apologize or at least say excuse me, but quicker than I could register that thought she fell off the steps, out the front door, skinned her knee and lost her drink. She came back in with blood dripping down her leg and sat in a chair to wait for her food.

By the time I got up to the counter to place my order her order was ready. She stepped in front of me, blocking me from placing my order, and began inspecting her burrito for sour cream. After a quick glance inside the tortilla she said "It doesn't have sour cream! I ordered sour cream!" Then she slammed her burrito onto the counter (picture beans and cheese exploding everywhere) and ordered the boy behind the counter to make her another one.

I was so appalled at what had just happened I was probably catching flies in my mouth. I turned to the boy behind the counter and told him to give her money back and refuse her service. She turned to me and instantly forgot about her burrito. I was the new enemy. I defended myself by telling her that you just don't treat people that way, we have all been the boy behind the counter, we have all been the pizza dude! But she wasn't listening. She got in my face and began yelling all sorts of obscenities. Tom jumped between us at which point he became her new enemy (see, she was crazy). I was afraid that she was going to hit him, and how he might react to that, and how her guy friends out in the car that hadn't seen all this craziness might react to the way Tom reacted. That is when the two men came in from outside picked her up and carried her out, her tacquitos getting caught in the swinging doors and crashing to their death on the ground.

In case you weren't keeping track, she left with nothing but a skinned knee, and she never got her money back. Once the coast was clear, Tom and I finally ordered our food. We sat down to eat recounting the events. The brother that was standing behind us in line helped himself to a seat at our table and began giving us a free psychic reading. One that contained no useful information as it must have belonged to someone else.

And what reminded me of this terribly funny incident is that something similar happened a couple of weeks ago. Tom and I went out for tacos at a new taco stand near my new house, in the same general neighborhood. The stand is in a parking lot of a little market that neighbors a trashy apartment complex. As we walked up to order our food, we noticed four or five people on the other side of the chain link fence drunk, and yelling at each other. A woman was pushing a man and slurring her words in such a way I had trouble understanding anything other than "Who is sucking my old mans cock while I am not home?" This seasoned woman already had one black eye and was asking for another one. I don't even think these people lived at the apartment complex, they were just drinking there, in the dirt, yelling at each other. A younger guy grabbed the lone 40 from the black eyed woman and started chugging it into oblivion. She was yelling and dancing around trying to grab it back from him with no luck. He threw the bottle on the ground, told all of them to fuck off and left the scene.

The moral of my story is: no good Mexican food comes without drama in NoPo.

holy-mother-fucking-shit

2005-08-21T14:10:00.000-07:00

I am horrible about blogging on the spot. I am a procrastinator and often post about things that have happened at least a week past. But with all the windup regarding this skydiving trip I feel like I owe you a first hand account of what happened.

As I have mentioned previously, I was in complete denial of what I had gotten myself into, but reality settled in as we were approaching 10,000 feet, crammed shoulder to shoulder in a tiny plane. I realized the intensity of my situation when my instructor told me we were going to "dive out" of the plane. I asked him if there were an easier way to do it and he laughed at me. He could tell I was nervous because he kept telling me things to do that would make someone who was absolutely petrified feel better, and the fact that he could tell I was nervous was making me MORE NERVOUS.

The door at the back of the plane opened and we could barely hear each other speak. The line started moving and I couldn't think twice about my footing or the fact that I was going to be plummeting to my death if all the things I signed off on the waiver came to fruition. You could see the bodies drop out of the door, quickly out of sight and then all of a sudden my feet were at the edge of the plane and then we were flying.

I am a screamer and my throat is sore because we were free falling for 56 seconds which required me to scream "oh my god" and "fuck" over and over and over again until the chute came out and we popped back up into the air and 125 miles per hour slowed to an eagles soar. The ground came up to meet my feet too quickly.

The sense of accomplishment is almost as amazing as the adrenaline rush.

I didn't pay the additonal money for the pictures, but if I did I am sure it would have looked something like this.

denial - the best medicine

2005-08-20T08:42:00.000-07:00

Think of me around noon. I will be falling at over 100 miles an hour toward the surface of the earth, at the mercy of someone I don't even know that is strapped to my back. I am scared. I have managed to make it through the last twenty days by not thinking about it at all.

friday confessional

2005-08-19T13:46:00.000-07:00

I am a horrible judge of character. And I frequently eat my own words.

I used to work as a bartender at a dark, smoky bar in North Portland. I worked the day shift all summer, in a building with no windows, where racist rednecks were my customers and the manager bossed me around as if I was a twelve year old.

This is where I met Tom. He lived near by and came in because it was close enough to walk there from his house. He braved the clientele to have a few colds ones and once I caught his eye, he began to come in for more than the beer.

During one of my shifts, a customer asked me what sort of guy I was attracted to. I assumed he was trying to figure out if he fit the bill. Not really being able to point out anyone that was my style in a place like this, I decided to tell him what kind of guy wasn’t my style. I pointed to Tom, who was minding his own business across the bar playing a game of pool.

We had our three year anniversary dinner last night. So I guess it is safe to say that I have no idea what I am talking about most of the time.

three days until i crap my pants

2005-08-18T09:32:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt I was in a space shuttle going to the moon. When we got to the moon we spent some time floating in sleeping bags before we went for burgers, beers and Karaoke back on earth. Then we had to go back to space to get the ship, because we took the stairs down through an apartment building that was so tall it reached the moon.

this is beautiful

2005-08-14T13:16:00.000-07:00

Can I get my ballot? I am ready to vote.

the before and after

2005-08-13T13:18:00.000-07:00

friday confessional

2005-08-12T16:14:00.000-07:00

I get so wrapped up in planning everything that sometimes I feel like I don't know how to live in the moment.

quiz

2005-08-12T10:05:00.000-07:00

1. Have you ever had sex in a tent?
Of course, I live in Oregon.

2. Have you ever been so drunk that you have passed out?
I am not sure I would have much in common with someone who hasn't.

3. Have you ever dated a goth?
Yes. It was tragic.

4. Have you ever done anything you could be arrested for?
Yes.

5. Have you ever done anything you could go to jail for?
Yes.

6. Have you ever broken a bone?
My left leg TWICE!

7. Have you ever crashed a car?
I swear I am not a bad driver! I crashed Tom's car. We had been together less than a year. He is still mad about it. We were driving to Minnesota and it was a white out. I saw a car ahead of us flashing its lights at me. As we got closer I realized there was a wreck in the middle of our lane. So I slammed on the brakes, even though the roads were covered in snow and ice. We did a 360 and scratched the length of his car on a guard rail. Looking on the bright side we are glad the guard rail was there.

8. Have you ever refused a date because of what your friends might think?
Never. I always date guys my friends can't stand.

9. Have you ever been found sleep walking?
Yes. I walked into my mom's room late one night and told her I lost my fur coat and I needed her help finding it. I have never owned a fur coat and never would.

10. Have you ever sent a crank call or email?
Yes. More than I would like to admit. It was a very popular thing to do as a teenager.

11. Ever licked your own nipple?
I am trying to right now and I can't reach it.

12. Have you ever peed in public and been caught?
I have peed in more public places than I can count. And I have never been caught.

13. Do you have a tattoo?
Two.

14. Have you had any piercings done (not including the ears)?
I have had my nose and septum pierced twice.

15. Have you ever had a date with someone you met online?
Yes.

this i believe

2005-08-10T12:52:00.000-07:00

I can't get enough of these essays...especially Be Cool to the Pizza Dude.

me jane

2005-08-10T07:55:00.000-07:00

I had a dream last night that I was clinging, with one hand, to a black backpack that was hovering far above the surface of the earth. I knew that if I let go of it I would fall to my death.

Only 10 days until this blog is no longer dominated by my fear of skydiving.

i don't like it one bit

2005-08-09T16:19:00.000-07:00

After the fifth shooting downtown, the Oregonian and the Portland Police Department feel free throwing racists comments around casually:

"Gentrification in Northeast Portland has pushed young African Americans to bars downtown."

So all young blacks are in gangs, all gang members in Portland are black and all shootings in Portland are gang related?

friday confessional

2005-08-05T11:03:00.000-07:00

I am going skydiving on the 20th of this month and I never thought I would be this scared. I can't even think about it without trying to convince myself that I should reconsider. I keep seeing what I expect I will see from the plane and keep feeling what I expect I will feel when it is time to jump. And I get panicky.

I have always wanted to go skydiving, but talking about doing it one day and actually doing it feel very different. So different that the core of my being and all that I value is being tossed and turned upside down as I try to think of any way I can get out of it.

Maybe once the PMS passes I won’t feel the intense desire to over analyze this anymore.

it keeps cropping up

2005-08-04T22:29:00.000-07:00

Ashland is in the news again.

of course i am

2005-08-03T10:00:00.000-07:00

You're an aspiring rapper who stands by your homies. You won't hesitate to beat down anyone who gets in your way and your best friend is your Glock.

and there was sand EVERYWHERE

2005-08-01T13:00:00.000-07:00

Tom and I went camping and had the most relaxing, enjoyable time.

Although it is always hard to go places like this and realize how many assholes actually inhabit this world. There were two abandoned campsites filled with trash, newspapers, empty beer bottles, broken glass and styrofoam egg cartons.

I think people who litter should be forced to wear a sign around their neck that clearly states "I am a litterbug", or have their reproduction rights taken away, or be shot and killed. Hot damn, I am filled with good ideas today.

I made this awesome video of Tom last summer. He is wearing these big 80's sunglasses and we were in the park on a fake sick day, sunbathing and drinking ice-cold beers. He said, "It sure is beautiful out here", took the last chug off of his beer and threw his can on the ground. It was hilarious. Pretending we were litterbugs.

When I was a kid my parents made us pick up ten pieces of trash anytime we went camping or hiking. It was our chore, to pick up after others too lazy to pick up after themselves.

Two blocks from my house lay the burned remains of a suitcase. There are half burned bras, lingerie and other personal effects. I imagine there was a fight, or someone cheated and their belongings were burned at the stake.

It is shocking to me that it has sat there for as long as it has. That hundreds of people walking up and down that sidewalk, and the tenants at the two apartment buildings, just step over it. I think it will be interesting to see how long it takes to get picked up. Or how long it takes for me to break down and pick it up myself.

This is day 8.

dukes of hazard st. johns style

2005-07-28T17:11:00.000-07:00

I am making a sign.

It says “What part of two lanes don’t YOU understand?”

There is a major construction project on the St. Johns Bridge. My morning trip over the bridge is painless, a little slow but painless. However, the way home is enough to make you want to gouge your eyes out. I listen to rap music to get myself in the mood. Otherwise, I end up acting like the rest of the lemmings, breaking the law and causing the biggest traffic jam EVER, for Portland.

There are two lanes leading up a ramp to the bridge. There is a turn signal on the highway below that indicates when it is safe to cross over the lane of oncoming traffic to go up this ramp. When traffic gets backed up on the ramp (PEOPLE NOT USING BOTH LANES AND DRIVING SINGLE FILE DOWN THE MIDDLE) it is impossible to get off the highway. I waited through 4 green lights yesterday.

I have figured the best way to deal with these assholes is to lead by example, use two lanes, prove to everyone that you are not trying to steal their place in this world and when all else fails honk your horn wildly and yell obscenities. It is almost like people "get it" when they are trapped down on the highway, but once they are on the ramp it is back to the American tradition of: I only care about me and my own, FUCK everyone else. People are using their vehicles to squeeze and block and control and I hate being controled!

Don't bother calling the police they don't care.

And then a truck stopped in front of my house, removed a manhole cover and started dumping suspicious waste into the waterway. The truck said "Dukes" on the side and had New York plates.

After emptying the contents of their tank they sped off leaving the manhole uncovered. That is a 10-15 foot drop into the sewer. Considering we are at an elevated threat level, you wouldn’t think it was that easy to dump anthrax, or other toxic materials into our public water system...but it is.

And the police don't care about that either.

so there you have it

2005-07-26T14:03:00.000-07:00

Maybe it is the warm weather, the camping trips and the bbqs. Maybe it is the garden that needs watering, the soccer games I am supposed to go to and all of the sex I am not having...

But I just don’t feel like blogging. And for some reason that gets jumbled in with all of the other things I need to be doing that aren’t getting done and someone gets flipped off throughout the course of my day because I just can’t take all of the demands I put on myself.

a couple of scares and then a few laughs

2005-07-25T00:06:00.000-07:00

1. We are all gonna die!
2. WTF?
3. Caught on film.
4. Tom is totally out of control.
5. Since I hate Anne, I loved this.

when i am not blogging...

2005-07-20T10:16:00.000-07:00

I am usually involved in one or more of the following activities:

playing with the busy bee

sunbathing

cathing up with old friends

making fun of pirates

seeing right through you

spending time with fellow redheads

rockin' out with my cool hesher friends

growing flowers

tending to my garden

and sailing

who said I wasn't refined?

friday confessional or "mr. green jeans"

2005-07-15T17:04:00.000-07:00

I didn't name them.

A concerned citizen did over cocktails.

He leaned in to tell me that he was really impressed with the fashion sense I was slowly instilling in his friend. But he wanted to know if there was anything I could do about "Mr. Green Jeans", a skin tight pair of dark green, stretchy, high water jeans. I told him I was working on it. And by working on it I threw them away while the person was out of town the following weekend. Along with a white pair of "boks".

if you ever have time to kill

2005-07-11T17:03:00.000-07:00

never fear...ljdrama is here!

This site is totally sweet.

your alphabet biatch!

2005-07-09T21:03:00.000-07:00

A: If you could be any ANIMAL in the ocean, what would you be?

A dolphin or an orca. Because I want to be pretty.

B: Other than food, what is the last thing you BOUGHT for yourself?

Bras. Super sexy ones.

C: How many COUNTRIES have you been to?

One. Isn't that pathetic?

D: What is your favorite ride at DISNEYLAND?

I think it is Pirates of the Carribean, but I am basing that on memories nearly 23 years past.

E: Do you believe in ESP?

Yes. And I most recently dreamed that I went through a 5.4 earthquake. So get under your desk and stay there.

F: Have you ever FAKED listening to your friend talk?

I think I have ADD really bad. I don't ever mean to but sometimes I am distracted. I love my friends and want to listen, I really do.

G: Have you ever fired a real GUN?

Yes. Lots of guns.

H: Regarding surfing, do you know what the term "HANG Ten" means?

I feel like I should. But I don't.

I: Is Michael Jackson INNOCENT or GUILTY?

Both. I love him and feel so bad for the direction his life has gone. He never had a childhood and I think he is trying to have one, even though no one is capable of understanding that.

J: Do you wear JEWELRY?

Yes. Two bracelets, ear rings and a necklace! I am all girl.

K: Have you ever KILLED an animal?

No. Never. Oh wait. I forgot about fishing. I hate the idea. I will probably never fish again. But I guess I have killed an animal. Yuck.

L: What was the LAST thing you mailed?

My ten year high school reunion RSVP.

M: Who is your favorite MUPPET character?

Kermie.

N: Have you ever been to a NUDIE bar?

A lot. More than the average girl, but less than a dancer.

O: Can you change your own oil?

I am sure I could. I don't want to though.

P: Did you attend PRESCHOOL?

Yes. The Three Bears.

Q: Do you know what a QUAHOG is?

Nope.

R: Have you ever RIDDEN a horse?

Yes. I have owned horses and I used to compete in gymkanas. Do you know what a gymkana is?

S: Have you played any organized SPORTS in your life?

I am on two soccer teams.

T: Do you owe or are you getting money back from last year's taxes?

Does the rest of the world know that there is a county tax in Portland? And they don't take money out of your check for it, so you have to pay at the end of the year. I paid out more to the county than I got in refunds from federal and state.

U: Do you own an UMBRELLA?

Yes. It has puppies and kittens on it.

V: Do you exercise your right to VOTE?

Do I breathe?

W: What's your ideal WEATHER forecast?

All sun, 80-90 degrees with ice cold beers in reach and shade to protect my oh so delicate skin.

X: What was your last X-RAY u had taken?

At the dentist. I hate them and feel like they are stealing my soul. With all this soul stealing it is a wonder that I have one left. Or do I?

Y: Do you own a YELLOW shirt?

I just got rid of it last Sunday. I wore it on my old soccer team, the Lemondrops.

Z: how many ZIP/area codes have you lived in?

That sounds like math and I don't feel like math right now.

friday confessional

2005-07-08T16:53:00.000-07:00

When we were teenagers we stayed up real late one night in my hotel room and made prank calls. We called the names in the book that clearly indicated husband and wife and pretended like we were the other woman.

I can't believe I just told you that.

camptastic

2005-07-08T14:18:00.000-07:00

friday confessional

2005-07-01T14:51:00.000-07:00

Somedays I feel like my job is robbing my soul. Like I can't handle doing the 9-5, m-f, two weeks of vacation a year, one moment longer. Like life is too short and all this work stuff is getting in the way of the things I want to do.

And most days I lie in bed thinking about all the excuses I could use to call in sick. But I never do. Like a zombie I roll out of bed and shower and commute and sit here behind this screen typing away on my blog while I answer phones and let the requests and demands of my position get the best of me. Because it is actually a good job, considering all of the other options out there.

Did I mention I am hours away from a four day weekend that will make it to my list of the top ten best weekends ever?

you know you have a healthy self esteem when...

2005-06-30T17:09:00.000-07:00

someone tells you that you could stand to lose a few pounds and you laugh so hard the gulp of a margarita you just took comes shooting out of your mouth.

am i losing my mind?

2005-06-30T10:19:00.000-07:00

Dear JC Penney,

I recently purchased a dress from your Washington Square Mall location in Beaverton, OR. I went back to the mall yesterday to return the dress. It was a cute black number with big white polka dots and yellow trim. It caught my eye as I was using your store to get from the food court to the parking lot.

I decided to return it because the trim was so poorly sewn on. At the counter, I learned that the cashier had to credit my Penney's card since I used it to purchase the item. This was upsetting to me since I had already paid off the card. But after the return was complete I browsed the store hoping to find a way to burn the credit.

And this is when my melt down began…

There is nothing in your entire store I want. This was SO shocking to me that it took TWO visits, totaling an hour each, and time out of my workday as I browsed your website in a fruitless frenzy. I was hell bent on spending this money and short of pulling my hair out have decided to write this letter and end this relationship for good.

There were shoppers in the store, so I am sure you have a great customer base. The only problem is that I am not a part of that group and I in no way, shape, or form, will ever use this card ever again. I am trusting that you will cancel my card, refund the $26.99 in the form of a check and we can just chalk this up to a simple mistake with no hard feelings.

Please let me know if you have any further questions or need anything from me to see this relationship to a close.

Sincerely,

like oh my god, i am so sure!

2005-06-29T07:54:00.000-07:00

My ten year high school reunion is this weekend. Has it been that long? Maria is flying in from New York to crash the party with me along with a group of dropouts, outcasts and people who were never a part of the class to begin with. It should be fun.

This calls for a walk down memory lane...

I think this picture was taken for my 8th grade graduation.
Do you like my Pop Swatch watch?

I took this picture my freshman year in photography class, before I got really bored and quit going to all of my classes. Rachel and Jessie.

Jenni, Katrina and me.

we were inseparable for the most part.

Now for what I spent most of my high school years doing, licking things and drinking beer. We really liked this beer for some reason. I mean really liked it. I remember this night like it was yesterday. We thought Milwaukees was in dire need of a poster girl and I was just the girl to do it, for free beer.

it is 8:37am, do you know where your dad is?

2005-06-26T08:37:00.000-07:00

Mine was last seen at 6:47am, mile 85 of the Western States 100. Looks like he will make it in under 30 hours. He didn't finish last year, so this is so huge!

orchids

2005-06-25T18:55:00.000-07:00

getting an orchid to rebloom is not unlike having an orgasm.

friday confessional

2005-06-24T15:38:00.000-07:00

My family is dysfunctional. beyond. belief.

I go through varying degrees of understanding, shame, heartbreak and fear...fear that I am just like them and can’t see it.

I am from

2005-06-22T17:07:00.000-07:00

I am from raspberry stained fingers, homemade rootbeer and setting m&ms in the sun to melt the chocolate inside.

I am from 4th of July BBQs and backyard gardens, hydrangea snowball fights, thunderstorm summers and weekends with Dad.

I am from climbing cherry trees, jumping into piles of leaves and swinging so high I can touch the clouds. I am from bunk beds, woodburning stoves and hating the seam on the toe of my tights.

I am from neatniks and to-do lists, from a draft dodger and a mother who never said one bad thing about a father she could have said a lot about. I am from a sister that wanted to be a doctor and a brother I never got a chance to know.

I am from do unto others, because I said so and finish your plate, from bread and butter gifts and no pain no gain.

I am from an old green chest filled with photos, baby booties and quilts hand stitched over 100 years ago.

Thanks to blu.

the things i learned along the way

2005-06-21T15:17:00.000-07:00

After driving over 4000 miles and spending over 60 hours in the car I have come to these conclusions:

There is too much useless space between Oregon and Minnesota.
The last job I would EVER take in the entire world: long haul truck driver.
There are a lot of trampolines in Utah.
My dog is so cute somemtimes I can't handle it.
Looks like prostitution is legal in Nebraska.
The mid-west is the only place in the world you can drive a truck covered in blood without anyone batting an eyelash, but the rainbows are beautiful.
Sleeping in the passenger seat of a Honda Civic for two days makes a hard floor feel comfortable.
I am so glad Michael Jackson was found innocent.
I saw more Peanuts characters than one person should reasonably see in a life time. They are big and weird and in the front yard where people LIVE. I saw these last time I was in Minneapolis around Thanksgiving. I naturally assumed they were Christmas decorations. But they are still up. We also saw Snoopy, Charlie Brown and a psycho snowman dressed in camo with a rifle. I am sorry that picture didn't turn out.
Everything is more fun with a cowboy hat on.
Fuck with the bull and you get:

your confessions

2005-06-20T16:20:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the confessional. Open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Please feel free to leave your baggage behind, anonymously or not. I reserve the right to delete anything I find inappropriate.

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My confession is that I'm borrowing the confessional for a week over at Sassy Gardener during Ugly Garden Week.

Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery.

lelo | Email | Homepage | 08.24.05 - 10:33 pm

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I was a virgin on my wedding night. so was my wife. After the honeymoon, she said she could have lived her whole life without sex. A few years later, she said "I'm not reading anymore books, not gonna talk about it in therapy; its your problem, you take care of it." So night after night I would lie in bed masturbating, while my wife watched tv until I went to sleep. When she did do her wifely duty, a few times a year, she usually said "forget about the candellight and soft music. Lets just get it over with." Often without kissing. Over the years, she put on, i dunno, about 100lbs. I work out and have all my hair, and at age 40 still get hit on by college girls. But I've always turned them down, and gone home to take care of it lying by my wife. So after 16 years, we finally split, and I'm saving myself for my next marriage. There had damn well better be a god up there.
Anonymous | Email | Homepage | 08.22.05 - 8:19 pm

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When I was 7 years old I shoved a stick up a dead skunks butt and it sprayed me.
anonymous | Email | Homepage | 08.12.05 - 3:51 pm

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A lot of people masturbate. Constantly. Most of my ex boyfriends...
someone | Email | Homepage | 08.10.05 - 12:27 am

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Whether it will work or not, I am giving him another chance. He seems to be working and if I didn't give him a chance to prove it- I would not be true to myself.
blu | Email | Homepage | 08.06.05 - 4:15 am

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I masturbate.

Constantly.
BigKilla | Email | Homepage | 08.01.05 - 8:08 pm

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I am that driver you can't stand. I eat, drink, do my make-up, talk on the phone, sing and have even changed my clothes, while driving.
anonymous | Email | Homepage | 07.20.05 - 2:10 pm

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I started sleeping with stuffed animals. It really is nice.
anonymous | Email | Homepage | 07.12.05 - 10:56 pm

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I broke up with him after 3 years and it hurts really bad. I want to be his friend, but I can't do it right now. He calls me now and says he misses me, and that I was his only friend and it makes me think that I can't be his friend. I feel like if I can't salvage a friend out of a 3 year relationship then it was a waste.
blu | Email | Homepage | 07.08.05 - 2:26 am

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I cut myself to ease the pain.
And I have been dubbed the happiest person in the universe.
And I feel guitly for doing it, like I am letting everyone down.
But the truth is, I don't want to stop.
Anonymous | Email | Homepage | 07.07.05 - 11:41 pm

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I used to have a really big teddy bear and I practiced all sorts of make out moves on him when I was in elementary school.
Anonymous | Email | Homepage | 06.30.05 - 10:30 am

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If people were a lot more honest about their thoughts and impulses, the world might be a better place.

Okay, I should confess something.

I am a relentless masturbator. Have been since I was about nine. I know. It's so gross to think of a little kid doing that. But it's true.
I have always been obsessed with it. I used to fantasize about Lou Diamond Philips, or David Bowie or Sebastian Bach or Johnny Depp.
I loved thinking about sexy celebrities. It's weird. I never fantasize about celebrities anymore. Now I always think about my boyfriend. How cheesy is that?

Oooh confessing feels good. I want to do it again.
Maria | Email | Homepage | 06.28.05 - 11:29 pm

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I like Bobby Brown, and even downloaded a few of his songs. "every little step I take..."
anonymous | Email | Homepage | 06.27.05 - 2:47

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I used to have a boyfriend I thought I was madly in love with. I wanted to be together forever and I secretly wished that I were his dog, so that he would never be able to breakup with me. That was nearly ten years ago, so I am sure his dog is dead. And I am glad I was not his dog cause he wasn't a very good boyfriend, or dog owner.
anonymous | Email | Homepage | 06.27.05 - 11:25 am

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I picked my boogies at work.
Shanthony | Email | Homepage | 06.26.05 - 12:07 am

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I havn't written this stuff anywhere or talked about it cuz I don't want any one to think I am bad. But what if they do? Guess it really doesn't matter. Anway, There are a few things troubling me. First there is this man/boy that lives in my complex. I have never thought anyone 20 years younger than me was hot. They all just look like little kids. But, there is this young man that I totally drool over. I am sure I would never ever do anything with him, but damn baby!! He is a hottie. He is tall and very dark skin and hair. Husky/slim in all the right places. Now we all know kids these days wear their pants hanging past their butts. I wonder if he sees me looking at lines of his hips when he climbs out of the pool? Studying how low the waist of his swim trunks are. The hard/fun part is he always seems to be where we are. Swimming or whatever. He plays with the kids a lot (which they totally love and I am glad they have him) cuz I don't ever have any of my boyfriends over although my George is going to have all of us out on his boat this summer that will rock! That will be the first time in the over three years my separation (now divorced) that any of my boyfriends have met my kids. George was raised by his step dad so I think he has a soft spot there for kids without dads. And also this business he has started that I am helping him with is to help single parents anway. He is such a darling man. But I digress: Anyway, this man/boy comes over to visit, I guess it all started when I had him babysit. Getting to know him and stuff. I dress up to go out or go on a date and feel so sexy and uncomforatable in front of him. It's like he is a kids looking at the Victoria's Secret catalog. It's like weird-almost. I really don't know what to think except that he is not like a normal man/boy his age. I really don't say much to him but I watch him a lot...
laura | Email | Homepage | 06.25.05 - 10:03 pm

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I had sex OUT OF WEDLOCK today.
Josh | Email | Homepage | 06.22.05 - 12:09 am

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what 9 days off couldn't cure

2005-06-20T13:50:00.000-07:00

I don't really like blonde jokes...or jokes that are degrading to large groups of people (except goths, of course). And I am not blonde. But if I were in the mood to categorize my actions this would be SO blonde.

I just went to a branch office to install a new computer on our network. A 15 minute appointment turned into an hour an a half while I tried to resolve an IP conflict on a Windows 98 machine. Yes people still run Windows 98. When I finally fixed it I called my co-workers to let them know I was on my way back, and to vent about what a pain in the neck this job had been. As I was chatting away and starting the car I realized I only had the car keys in my hand. I said "Oh no! I left my phone up there!" I was of course holding my phone, in my hand, and the call was on speaker phone for my entire department to hear.

I am back and have so many things to share. Just give me a moment to collect my thoughts, or I am bound to make an ass out of myself repeatedly.

see ya later alligator

2005-06-10T18:10:00.000-07:00

Tom and I are going on vacation to visit his family. I will be gone for ten days and doubt that I will be able to blog. I am going to miss you all dearly and will leave you to entertain yourselves with the google image results for Minnesota's favorite slang word, uffda!

friday confessional

2005-06-10T10:15:00.000-07:00

Someone asked me how I feel comfortable revealing so much of myself to the internet. And this is my answer:

I write my confessions because I hate the idea of pretending I am something I am not. Because I am weak and I make mistakes. I have spent most of my life worrying about what people think about me and I don't want to live like that anymore. I have found nothing more freeing than looking that fear in the eye and giving it the bird.

This is my party. If you don't like it, you can suck it.

emasculating

2005-06-08T15:00:00.000-07:00

See how long you can keep your spirits up with a cone around your neck, when all you want to do is lick the dog bite on your thigh because it keeps itching and itching and you are about ready to lose your fucking mind.

when i grow up

2005-06-07T19:49:00.000-07:00

I just figured it out. I want to be a Hollywood movie star that spends all of my time and money traveling to impoverished nations. I want to help people and make a difference in the lives of those less fortunate than me.

Shit....that position is already filled.

sweet seventeen

2005-06-06T19:03:00.000-07:00

It sounds so young now. But at the time you couldn't tell us that. We had our own apartments, we worked, paid bills and owned our own cars. We had fake ids and did whatever the fuck we wanted to do. The summer of 1994 was the most memorable of my life.

I lived in an apartment with Katrina, the kind that has cockroaches and yellow walls from cigarette smoke. We didn't have any furniture other than our beds, a couch, and a stereo that sat on the living room floor adjacent a faux rock wall. Upstairs from us lived Maria and her brother.

Maria and I bonded at the Lincoln Estates. We ate psychedelic mushrooms and rode bicycles barefoot in the warm summer night. We sucked on blue raspberry lollipops and shared secrets on my couch. We cried as we sat on opposing ends with our blue tongues and big teenage hearts.

I can't believe I could shout to Maria from my bedroom and she could hear me. I would give my left pinky to have her that close again.

What is with the good ol' days always being over by the time they become good?

friday confessional

2005-06-03T10:56:00.000-07:00

Parades make me cry.

lets talk about it

2005-06-03T10:17:00.000-07:00

What do you think is going to happen in the Michael Jackson case? I love him and really want to believe it isn't true.