+ confessions of a red-headed stepchild: neither here, nor there

Friday, January 06, 2006

neither here, nor there

Life is standing still. I am at the end of the first week of my last month at work. I am one week from living alone. I am one day from my best friend being back on the east coast. I am 2 hours from a soccer game. 26 minutes from being off work and after all of this has passed I have no idea whether the sun will rise.

My friend's Dad was hit by a car and killed on Christmas in downtown Portland. My Dad was supposed to meet him one month before, almost to the day. I am not superstitious. But I can't quit wondering if the events would have unfolded the same way had they met. Okay. Maybe I am a little superstitious.

I feel numb. I feel like I am playing limbo and I can't bend any farther without reality crashing into the forefront of my mind. I know what lies ahead and it scares the shit out of me. But I can't touch it. So it doesn't feel real. All the little things that keep piling up. The flat tires. The lunches and dinners and the money I don't have. The parties and side jobs and errands that need running. The friend's bands that are playing and the poker parties that need dealing. I haven't slept more than 7 hours all week because I don't have enough time in each day.

I know what drives people to addiction. The only cure for this insanity is a shot of tequila. Or five.

And with warm fuzzy numb thoughts I give you my accomplished tasks of the last year.

Bought my first home
Spent more time with the people I love
Worried less
Scored 2 goals
Learned that Jack already knew how to roll over
Grew my own vegetables in my first garden
One year completely anti-depressant free!
Saved enough money to risk becoming self employed

I am impressed with myself. And exhausted just reading this.